And along came July.

I was reeling from my experiences in June, cursing this country for everything that it was. My Japanese was getting better, but it’s not like I actually wanted to use it with too many people. Fortunately, outside of all the crappiness of my schools…I had a good social network to keep me going.

I doubt I’ve mentioned this before, which is odd, but…since March, I gained two more English conversation classes. These classes are a major source of my income…not to mention a major source of my “good times in Japan”. The first class is on Wednesday evenings, and my students are 5, 60+ year old women, whose English most definitely ain’t all that good, but have some awesome spirit in them. One of them even invites me to her house every week before class for a traditional Japanese dinner, and a chance to teach her three granddaughters English. Two of the three happen to attend Hell, and actually help me out when I’m there.

As for these five women, they’re not even really there to learn English! It’s just a social gathering for them, and a chance to exercise their brains, which is an area in which the Japanese have Americans STOMPED. Well…past generations, at least. Also, the more I teach there…the more I’m beginning to notice these girls are just havin’ a good time flirting with the young, tall English teacher, which is creepy and hilarious at the same time. They’re always asking me about girlfriends and what not. It’s a great time, really. And recently, an old teacher came back to visit, and he and I talked about the whole experience of being an English teacher here, and it seems that, yeah…they just like flirting with the teacher…when it’s a male. And lemme tell ya, using whatever Japanese you can gets compliments that can lift you out of any bad day.

My other class has somewhere between 7 and 12 students, two of which are actually from the Wednesday class. The ages range between 35 and 79. I teach it on Thursdays, at the biggest building in my little town. And through the wall from my little class is the one, the only, Tom! The JET of our city. We make a habit of dropping in on each other’s classes from time to time. And lemme clear something up. I don’t hate Tom, guys. Really. I just play stuff up for comedic reasons on this journal (and sometimes in real life). Besides, the dude came in and apologized about taking my schools, explaining that it wasn’t his choice, so we’re cool. He’s still the person I must defeat in Japanese, though. I like the competition.

Speaking of Japanese, I’m also enjoyin’ my class, which James joined back in June, so he, I and the Turkish guy, Ali, are all gettin’ smarter every week. It’s good times. In the last part of July, Ali and I went to a International Student Conference thing with our Japanese teacher, where we got to hang out with lots of people, but apparently ended up as playthings for the local girl scout squad. Why must children always try to swing from my dreadlocks…really?

In the early part of the month, Matt invited Stephanie and I to a festival in the first town he visited in Japan, Koga. We met all his old friends, Stephanie got to look really good in a yukata (it’s a summer kimono), and me? Well, maybe I drank a lil’ too much. …Oops? Actually, I hadn’t eaten that day, so like…two beers sent me to a very happy place. Unfortunately, because I went to the festival, I couldn’t do a favor for my favorite Japanese family…but they didn’t hate me too much. In fact, they invited me out to a beer garden in the later part of the month!

Now, it’s been said before…and I’ll say it again. I really do love this family. And…maybe they like me, I dunno. I arrived and everyone was there. Tokiko (Mom), Shinichi (Dad), Riyo (The Sister), Sui (The Granddaughter) and Miho (The Daughter). Anyway… It seemed the goal was to see just how much I could drink. This seems to be the goal of all Japanese people, actually. But Miho was actually challenging me this time, claiming that I had said that “Americans can drink a lot more than Japanese people.” I assured her I hadn’t, and also warned her, that if I did anything stupid that evening, it was all her fault. She found that funny.

Later, I was asked to lift Little Sui as high as possible, because she wanted to touch the lights that were hanging from a nearby tree. Actually, I was asked twice. Fortunately, I’m quite found of Lil’ Sui, and she seems to enjoy hanging out with me, so it was fun.

Afterward, Miho, Riyo, Riyo’s husband and I…oh, crap and the music teacher that was at the Christmas get together…dunno if that sounds familiar…well, we all went to karaoke. And had a really good time…I think.

Why “I think”? Alright…first let’s talk about another experience at Hell.

Pool day. The sixth graders were having an awesome time at the pool. I sat by watching, and yet again, was reminded of a certain time in my past. The time when I couldn’t swim…which was for a VERY long time. I’d sit by the pool and watch the other kids enjoying the water, and for the life of me couldn’t figure out why I hated it so much. It looked fun. Id looked like pure enjoyment, but the moment I got in the water, it all changed. I mean, I’d been through every kind of swimming lesson you could imagine. The ol’ “toss him in” technique, which TOTALLY didn’t work on me. Then the “Dad’s gonna swim with you on his back” deal…the actual swimming lessons at the YWCA…weekly practice with my dad…it…none of it worked. Shoot, I STILL don’t like swimming. I can do it, sorta, but no, man. Which made for some no-fun situations at parties and stuff as a kid.

And…as I watched these kids, being taught all sorts of swimming techniques in school…I realized just how weird a kid I was. Like…seriously. The things I did, said…they must’ve weirded my parents out to no end. I know my dad had to deal with the fact that I wasn’t the tough lil’ son he wanted…actually I remember being scared of my dad from those days (which, draws up interesting parallels with my own fear of being feared)…nowadays I wince at how that must’ve felt for him. And then all the conditions and inabilities I had, the fact that I was always sick, the things I’d do and blurt out from the frustration of bein’ so dang off key from every living soul I knew…I’m shocked I didn’t explode back then. The lack of confidence in any and everything about myself… Then I remembered the cynical version of myself that emerged from those inadequacies…and how strong it got in hopes of hiding my past. Then I realized how…the moment I got into college, people latched on to that cynic. Thought he was cool. So, that version of me became prominent, for the sake of keeping it hidden from everyone I knew. A false confidence, and a mysterious loner-ish personality…all of those masks…all to hide the truth of just how awkward I am in this world. All to hide my own self-loathing…

I realized that hated darn near everything about myself. All my accomplishments and endeavors…I’ve never been proud of them. They’ve just been a bit of protection from the real me or something. I realized that…I genuinely think something is wrong with me. That every action I’ve ever taken…I look back on it with shame, as if I could’ve done something better. Choices I’ve made, chances I’ve taken…shoot…every single word that comes out of my mouth, I look back on it…analyze it…find everything wrong with it…and pack the shame away.

Because of this…everything I did at that beer garden with that family…I fear that I screwed something up. I fear that they think I’m as big an idiot as I think I am. This happens with all of my friends, but…if you mean something to me, I feel even more awkward around you, and hate my every move even more. This family…they apparently mean more to me that I can comprehend, and so…even now…though I type this almost three weeks after the fact…I hate everything I did that evening. Despite the fact that Sui enjoyed being lifted so high…despite the fact that Shinichi still boasts about me like I’m his son…despite the fact that I had Miho laughing the whole evening…I still think it’s all a lie. That they have to be thinking that I’m…just a big, stupid—

Ugh…I think we’ve found the next level of my growth here. First it was removing my dislike of the people around me…now I gotta learn not to hate myself so much…and stop swearing that there’s something wrong with me. And for that reason…I’m actually posting this…unedited…

And now you’re caught up to August. I’ll give you a few updates about what’s happened up until the present…including the wonderful process of getting a Japanese driver’s license!

D