Uncertainty and Marriage

One of the most difficult sentence patterns for students of any language to learn is the subjunctive. It's just so...cultural. The degree to which each society contemplates uncertainty decides the form, right? English doesn't really contemplate the uncertainty of the future. We Just say "will" or "will be". The nuance is in there. But the uncertainty of what could have been? Man, that's one long pattern.

I tell my students that "regret" is a good way to tell a story. "I shouldn't have ______. If I hadn't ______, I wouldn't _______." And it works! People make funny stories, every time. But invariably, one woman (and it's always a woman) says, "If I hadn't met my husband in college, I would have married a different man." And then she hangs her head while everyone else laughs. (In one case, including her own children!)

Yikes, man. Marriage. Particularly marriage in Japan. It is a loveless affair, for the most part. I was somehow raised to believe that marriage is teamwork and communication. I don't remember my parents ever teaching me that, but that's what I ended up with. Here? Marriage is like...a job. Keep up a good image. Never bring your problems home. You got stress? Go somewhere else to let it out. Need to talk? Go to your friends. Marriage is just something that everyone does. A spouse is a just someone who signed a contract with you.

Now...this is in the older generations. Problem is, the younger generations look at it and say, "Nope!" but then, as we all do, they become their parents and think, "Marriage is the responsible thing, right? Fine." The women find a rich man so she doesn't have to work, spits out a few kids for him, and then focuses entirely on the kids and house. The men find a pretty girl, are somewhat happy until the wife has kids, at which point the man's life becomes work, stress, and responsibility. Man works and drinks, woman cleans and cares. Husbands are happier living in separate cities or even other countries, and the wives are glad to have the man out of the way.

I think, "Good lord...how can they live like that?" But, it is Japan. Social responsibility outweighs individual happiness every time. Heck, individual happiness is scary to most people here. But I know my view of marriage may very well be idealistic. I'm an INFP. That's how I roll. American marriages are failing left and right. But that might be because Americans focus too much on individual happiness, to the point of making selfish, foolish decisions. Guess that's why I'm in no rush to get hitched. Who's to say I'm not as selfish as everyone else?

J