Just now, I noticed that yet another one of my ties is showing signs of wear and tear. When moments like these pop up, I always wonder, "Why don't I already have a tie to replace this one?" No, really. Why do I wait until my clothes have holes in them to get new ones?
Some might call me economical. I mean, you don't really NEED new clothes until the others wear out, right? Others might say...it's a symptom of maleness. Many of us have heard Seinfeld's bit on men's underwear, and the frightening, but true, idea of "underwear vapor". But you wanna know what I think the real reason is?
I'm too tall.
See, normal sized people (and I use that term very loosely) probably see clothes like Americans see food. They have all these options constantly within their grasp at affordable prices, so why not just grab a shirt here or there? Shoes? Yeah, you might need those. Socks? Man, those things are always disappearing. Better buy a gross. And how are you supposed to tip your hat to someone if you don't have one? Better stock up on those, for all the various tipping regulations. Clothes are readily available. They might not fit perfectly, or they might not make you look like a runway model, but they cover all the areas that need to be covered, and make you look like you know how to take care of yourself. Ya know...if you're trying.
Now me... I'm about 6'4"...6'5". Shoes off. 220 lbs. And I was blessed with the shoulders of a statue of a Greek god. Not bragging here. I've only recently kinda grown into them. Before I just looked like a giraffe in football pads. But anyway... That means I'm very tall, and rather slim with a frightening wingspan. You'd think that'd be awesome right? On paper, I sound like everything would fit me wonderfully.
Nope.
Shirts and jackets? My shoulders alone pull the seams to the point of almost ripping. Pants? Don't even get me started. Highwaters don't flatter anyone. Shorts? On a man my size? Unless we are playing basketball, it looks ridiculous. Shoes? Not so bad. Size 13s are pretty simple to find. Socks as well.
Go to a Big and Tall shop, you say? Look at the name of that store. Big AND Tall. Not "or". I've been to those places, and I'd have to gain a good 40 pounds to fit into that stuff. And unless I wanna trigger the diabetes gene just waiting for a chance, that ain't happening. And most people forget, after L, when you start tacking on Xs, to the tune of 3XL or so, you're only gaining horizontally. Not vertically. And finally, in the eyes of most clothes makers, "tall" stops about about 6'3".
So it's all custom fit stuff, which is crazy expensive.
So, what this teaches tall people is that once you find clothes, you hug them close until they are unwearable. Obvious holes, stains or odd fits. That's when you throw them away...but you really don't. You keep them to wear around the house when no one can see you, so you don't have to do yard work or cleaning in your brand new extra long jeans that it took you years to locate at a store that had only one pair left.
...and that's in America. I'm in Japan, people. Clothes my size simply do not exist. TIES in my size do not exist. I have to order everything from America. And storage? Washing? Man, I just gave up. ...not on washing. Gotta do that.
But when you find a hole or a bleached spot, it's like... It's like your refrigerator broke while you were on vacation, and all the food inside spoiled. You got some backup food, but you know...one day...you're gonna have to fork over some major cash to feel safe again.
I know that if I could, I'd probably pick up a simple new shirt every week. They way I buy other things kinda proves that. If I were shorter, I'd be a clothes person. Buuut here I am. Tall and "economical". And until the government starts giving food, clothing and transportation vouchers to tall people, I guess I'm just gonna have to roll with it.
I wonder if I can get tax credits on ties...
J
No comments:
Post a Comment