I Was Wrong About the Jacket

So, I've been gone for over a week.  I know what you're all saying.  "Pfffft...this is nothing new.  You disappeared for like...four years.". I don't deny it. I have a very bad record when it comes to my blog. Not quite the Chatty Cathy that I used to be.  But this time, I have a real, legitimate excuse.  One that will shock and amaze!  Confuse!  Confound!  Contort and convolute!  I'll just sum it up with one word:

Leprosy.

...OK, maybe not really leprosy.  And leprosy isn't something you should joke about.  Back in the day, Biblical folk had a hard time with that little number.  So, no.  Not leprosy.  But I did have its modern-day equivalent:

Chicken pox.

Yeah.  See?  Shocking, right?  I mean, if I were a six-year-old kid, everyone would just be like, "Aww...well don't scratch too much, OK?". But people, I'm 29.  I'm what most people would consider an adult.  Most people would be dead wrong, but, still...I'm "grown"!  I'm not supposed to be coming down with chickenpox, mumps, measles, rubella or any of those other diseases we associate with childhood traumas/staying home from school for a week of awesome.  ...I did get to stay home from school for a week of awesome, but that's not the point!  Grown "men" do not get chickenpox! We walk that off, like a punch to the gut or a dislocated shoulder, or a knife to the eye. A few itchy bumps? Please.  

The thing they don't tell you is that chickenpox ups its game for adults.  If kidly pox is a sucker punch, grown pox is like getting sniped.  Probably because adults are just punks with way too many responsibilities.  Seems to hit us harder.  All I know is, on Friday, I left school with a backache, a neck ache and an itchy throat.  Actually, that's not how it started!  On Thursday morning, I was taking a shower, and brushed my hand against a bump on my chest.  It hurt a little, because I broke it open.  At the time, I just thought I'd broken open a very small scratch I'd somehow acquired in one of my wrestling matches with my kids.  So I paid it no mind.  The next morning, I hit a second bump on my back, and another on the opposite side of my back.  I just thought I'd gotten more scratches than I'd noticed at first.  But by the end of the day, I was tired, achy and feeling plain crappy.  I figured it was sinus stuff, so I picked up a few of my comfort foods and prepared to get m laundry done for the next day.  But when I took my shirt off to out it in the washing machine, I noticed a several more bumps all across my stomach and chest.  And they weren't just bumps...  They looked...watery.  Like they could pop.  (sorry if this is sickening anyone). So I sent my girlfriend a text, joking, "Ha!  I think I have chickenpox!". She didn't think it was so funny, and immediately found me a doctor to visit.  By the time I got to the doctor, I was shivering and shaky, and I was about 100 degrees.

At the doctor, the nurses seemed to be trying to keep me calm by asking me all sorts of questions about where I was from, and complimenting me on my Japanese ability.  My girlfriend just smiled, and started picking on me for catching chickenpox.  Then we got to see the doctor...and...I'm thinking Japanese doctors intentionally put on an air of "I have no idea what I'm doing!" to put the patient at ease.  This migh work on Japanese patients, but it only made me trust him less, especially with him waving all sorts of instruments around.  I just...don't trust doctors when they have something in their hands.  Besides, most of this "examination" was spent with him lifting up my shirt, looking at the bumps, mumbling, "Hmmm...maybe chickenpox...", and then leaning back in his chair to think about it.  He did this at least three times.  Then he took my blood pressure, my temperature, and my respiratory something, looked at the bumps again, drew a rough sketch of my torso and where the bumps were, looked at them again, and said, "Let's give you some medicine!". For good measure, my girlfriend asked for a doctor's note so that my company would legally have to pay me for my days missed (probably useless).  One hundred and twenty bucks later, I had medicine, a note, and was well on my way to 101 degrees.  Which makes me wonder...how much would the medicine have cost without insurance?  Anyway, we stopped by the grocery store to get me some food, then I went to the gas station, and then I went to a convenience store to fax the note to my company and give them a call.  Lucky for me, the guy in front of me was apparently trying to fax a novel to his best friend or something.  Twenty minutes of shivering later, I was at home, taking medicine and trying to eat food my stomach obviously didn't want, all so I could take the medicine they gave me.  

Medicine is a tricky thing.  That whole before meals, after meals, before bed, only with water thing can trip you up.  On top of that you got your side effects and what not, which is enough to scare anyone with any common sense.  I remember when all the crazy medications started coming out, the ones were half of the commercial was some guy listing all the side effects and disclaimers as quickly as he could. The free-spirit style commercials were really popular then.  People riding roller coasters and frolicking in the park despite whatever ailment or infection was currently nesting in their bodies.  Oh, we all made jokes about it.  I think the most humorous one was herpes.  I'm not entirely sure why everyone thought that one was funny.  Maybe it was the name.  Herpes.  It just sounds...trivial.  And you know young folk.  Always making jokes about things they don't quite understand to hide their own ignorance of it.  I remember, in college, an acquaintance of mine had taken some inspiration from Big Boi's Purple Ribbon All-Stars, and other, less savory slang.  And so from the slogan, "I got that purp", he struck genius with the term "got that herp".  Oh, we all laughed at that one.  It was timely, witty wordplay that allowed us to laugh off our anxieties about the veritable hurricane of STDs and other diseases swirling around us in the college environment.  The administration made sure to remind us of the dangers every day, and those silly medicine commercials reminded us every night.  So it's only natural that the name of a few of those medicines stuck in my head.

So when I got my medicine, and saw the name "Valtrex" written on it, it triggered something in my memory, but I wasn't sure exactly what was going on.  I fought down some food and swallowed those two rather large pills, and stared at the name again.  Valtrex.  I miss the days when you had to hold something in your brain for a long time in order to look it up later, but...this is the google age, and I immediately searched for it.  And alas..........herpes medication.  Suddenly I remembered all those free spirit commercials.  The frolicking.  The swings.  Bowling.  And then, I could hear Matt's voice saying, "You got that herp."

Now, we all know by now that herpes has MANY forms.  Cold sores, shingles, chickenpox, and the not so laughable genital herpes.  So it should be obvious that one type of medicine would be designed to attack all forms of herpes.  ...Doesn't make it any more fun to take!  Seriously?  Herpes medication?  Man...  But I took it.  For a week straight, I took it three times a day, even though it gave me headaches and probably increased my fever.  I took it.

The first night was hellish.  My fever hit 102, and the sleep I got shouldn't even be called sleep.  On the second day, I was up to 103, chugging sports drinks and struggling to stand.  On third day, I was at 104, and thought I was gonna have to be hospitalized.  My neck was stiff, my back was killing me, my head was splitting and I couldn't really maintain any train of thought.  My girlfriend had been bringing daily supplies of food, sports drinks and water, but I couldn't eat much.  Then, in my delirium, my eyes caught a box in my drawer that I thought I'd thrown out long ago.  The text on it was written entirely in Japanese, but somehow, my eyes focused on one character: 熱.  That's the character for fever.  It was a box of ibuprofen!  Totally forgot I had it!  Now...I probably should've checked if there were any crazy interactions between ibuprofen and Valtrex, but I think my brain already considered me dead, so we just took out some pills and chugged them down with some water.  Suddenly, my thoughts were clearing, and my temperature was dropping steadily.  Before I knew it, I was at my normal 98.2.  And I was starving!  My girlfriend scolded me later for mixing meds without checking with the doctor first, but it was all OK later.  We called and checked, and the doctor said it was cool.

And that's pretty much how it went for the next week.  I couldn't go to work.  I couldn't leave the house.  I just sat at home, watched my endless store of movies and TV, and tried to keep my fever down.  At some point, one of the old ladies in my Wednesday class decided to start bringing me food as well, which meant I had a grandmother AND a girlfriend dropping off supplies.  Needless to say, I didn't finish everything.  Felt horrible about that...  Also, it looks like I gotta make up the days I missed at work, but that's not so bad. I mean, my schools were kinda enough not to get a substitute, who would've gotten the pay for those day instead of me.  Yeah...I like these people.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good experience!  My brain almost boiled, but...hey!  That happens, right? And I got that horrible disease out of the way...for the second time.  Admittedly, my first time around was kinda weak, but still.  Honestly, it was like a long, forced vacation. Almost like my body telling me to just stop everything.

Looks like it's back to work on Tuesday.  Wish me luck!

J

Why does Friday hurt so much? Ah, because I forgot my jacket.

There's a point at which you're no longer the foreigner in Japan, and they kinda expect you to start thinking for yourself.  Today, it looks like I've reached that point.  Well...maybe.  I reached that point a long time ago.  But today, I came to school and it turns out that the PTA was coming for one of their many visits.  No one told me.  No one mentioned that I would be introduced to the PTA.  And no one bothered to inform me that I'd need to wear the full suit.  So when I rolled up to school and saw everyone in full suits, I thought, 'Great, now I get to look like the slacker.'. So, I sat at my desk while people asked me why I didn't have my suit, and I explained that no one told me what was going on, and...then I looked on my desk and saw the piece of paper my teacher had handed me on Monday, and on that sheet of paper, tucked away in a corner it said that the PTA would be visiting.  Even so, that still doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me.  The PTA comes on lots of days that have absolutely nothing to do with me.  And I'm never alerted to them or expected to do anything about them.  Nevertheless, I felt kinda crappy about not having my jacket today.  

But that's not the main reason I feel crappy.

The changing seasons destroy me every year, and spring is the worst.  Last year, it felt like my teeth were trying to pull themselves out of my skull, and this year, it's like someone filled my sinuses with broken glass.  Every breath makes the shards move.  My chest feels like someone's just put it in a vice, and is juuuust starting to crank things up.  A little tight, but I know it'll get worse.  And, ya know, you should look forward to the little things in life, right?  Right.

As for what happened at school today?  Same stuff.  Book's too tough, teaches too timid/stubborn, and students too unaware of consequences.  I say now, though most people will not understand, Japan is too safe and secure.  To easy to get a job and a pension, too easy to get insurance, and too easy to do whatever you want without losing your life.  In Japan, bad things only happen out of chance.  But then, so do good things.  Basically, do whatever you want, the country will find a place for you when you come to your senses.  And hey, maybe you'll get lucky along the way.  Hard work only results in a long life of stress and increased responsibilities, but those responsibilities are an honor.

I'm ranting.  Let me stop.

Here's lunch.  Chicken curry, rice, "Italian salad", milk and yogurt.  This is the kind of lunch that gets kids super amped.  Take a look!

That's enough for today.  I feel...not so awesome.

Be good, people.

J

...Thursday

...I'm worried that I'm gonna have to start calling River Blossom my boring school.  Really, nothing of note happened.  I wish i could drop some amazing anecdote here, but dang...not a thing.

Here's school lunch.  Salmon, okara (imagine tofu stuffing), soup, rice snd milk.  Take a look!

Maybe the dullness is my own fault.  I mean...I ain't exactly crisp today.  Last night, my Wednesday class had a "party" to welcome two new students.  This class is a bit of a mixed bag.  Five "old" women.  They're all grandmothers, but they have wildly different personalities.  And there's a 20 year span from oldest to youngest.  The oldest is a teacher with four grandkids, who volunteers at schools, loves old Japanese music and kids.  Next in line is a quiet woman who loves cats, but hates conflict...unless she knows you are dead wrong.  Next is a rather loud woman who loves laughing, talking and...asking questions.  The last two women are the new students.  One loves cooking and baking and the other is...well...rich.  Very rich.  Mix these girls together and you get one difficult class t o teach.  It's like they all wanna go in different directions, which is crazy considering the way Japanese culture focuses on unity.  But they all get along.  And they all seem to agree on one thing: I am the cutest thing, and they wanna treat me like their grandson.  

So, they had a little "party" at the sushi-go-round, or conveyor belt sushi shop.  This is the equivalent of a party at...Pizza Hut.  Kids love it there, but it's kinda weird to see five old ladies and a huge foreigner sitting there.  We have these parties every once in a while, but what they usually boil down to is five women trying to fatten me up for three hours.  Seriously, between these girls and my girlfriend, I gained 20 pounds in a year.  I looked more cuddly, but my knees almost shattered from the weight.  But it was fun.  A few beers, a lot of salmon sushi, and...hey, I am a happy dude.

And...that's all I got!  I feel like I used to be more contemplative on these things.  Maybe I'm losing my introspective nature?  Or maybe I just don't know how to bring it out anymore...  That's actually terrifying for me!

Anyway, take care everyone.  I'll see if I can't break into my brain a little better from here on out.

J

Alliterative Wednesday or The Character of a Country

I know this one is supposed to be about Wednesday, but really, nothing's happening at this school.  We have a new book and the teachers are resisting the change.  They had the old textbook for a good ten or fifteen years, so they'd gotten a kind of rhythm going.  One that is very hard to break.  Walk in, do the greetings, practice some phrases, and then break out the notebooks for grammar explanations and translation time.  In other words, "Speaking?  Listening?  Who needs that?  We can read!  Or at least get the gist of things.". And as a foreigner in Japan, that isn't such a bad philosophy.  

Japanese is a written language.  Everything revolves around the characters.  Around the written word.  If you ever look at a newspaper, a book, an advertisement...there are words EVERYWHERE, attacking you from all directions in fifteen different fonts and colors, and for Japanese people, this is normal.  Heck, even TV shows constantly have text and subtitles taking up 20 to 40 percent of the screen at any given time.  Information is almost always given in written form first, and speeches...well, let's just say it's normal for the speaker to be holding pages and pages of a pre-written speech in full view at the podium.  So when you come here you learn that reading and writing are far more important than speaking, and as such, they are much more difficult to master.  So learning to just look quick and get the gist of things is just part of daily life in Japan.  I still can't say half of the words and concepts that i recognize in written form, and if someone asked me to write my favorite kanji, I'd be stuck.  But in true American form, I can speak Japanese well enough to get the information I need at almost any given time...as long as the person I'm talking to is willing to stop using all the danged honorifics.

But English is a spoken language more than a written one, which explains where there can be any kind of illteracy in the US, while Japan's got...pretty much zero.  You can get by without reading English.  You won't get too far and you'll definitely hit some walls, but you can live a pretty decent life.  English speakers learn pronunciation through their ears, Japan learns through its eyes.  So, a normal English class in Japan actually has very little spoken English in it.  Writing, silent reading, translation to Japanese.  This is why most of the words Japan has borrowed from English are butchered horribly. 

When Japanese people try to approach English the way that they approach their own language, I get it.  It's only natural.  But they can't get away ith that anymore, and the teachers here are feeling it horribly.  That was originally why they brought us native speakers into the country, but...well, let's just say a lot of pride has prevented us from being allowed to do our jobs properly.  This new book?  Probably gonna make the teachers realize just how badly they need to listen to the native speakers and include us on curriculum planning.

Poor teachers....  I feel for them.  I really do.

On a happier note, I got my tires last night!  After pushing through pouring rain, howling wind  and thundering...thunder, i made my way to Ye Olde Tire Shop, where they changed my tires, took my money, and, as if to remind me that American service is horrible, checked every single lugnut right in front of me so I could drive home free of worry.  And man, do those tires make a difference!  All those times I thought the transmission was slipping, it was actually my tires inability to grip the ground properly...  Yikes.  All is well now, though!

And now, for today's lunch!  

Wednesday is noodle day, so we had the soup and noodle dealie.  Also, something called "moyashi salad", which looks like beansprout salad with ham.  And pumpkin and cheese croquettes.  One each.

Take a look!

With that, I'm out.  Be good!

J

Tepid Tuesday

Eh, ain't much happening today.  The cherry blossoms are starting to fall, which is really beautiful, but it signals the beginning of what I call Yellow Sky Season.

Having grown up in Florida, my seasonal memories aren't of changing leaves, snow, or blooming flowers.  My eyes were always fixed on the sky.  You could always tell what season it was just by the shade of blue or the shape of the clouds.  It's something most people overlook in Florida, because most of them grew up in places with far more obvious seasonal changes, and then came South, only to find that FL is (in) a constant state of green hotness.  But me, it's how I understand anything.

Japan's sky often leaves much to be desired.  The Yellow Sky Season is the worst.  The clouds seem to hang in the sky limp and lifeless.  The sky isn't really blue due to some yellow haze that makes me taste mustard.  And there is no wind to come and blow it away.  I need my wind, man.  

Anyway, that's what today felt like, and the kids are showing a similar...dullness.  The first-years are already feeling the power of Ms. Old School, and Little Lady and I are working on breaking the second-years free from her after effects.  That's gonna take a while.  Third years had...a test, so, I didn't even see them.  Apparently, a student who has been enrolled at this school for the past two years but never came is now coming to school everyday.  I'd heard her name several times, but never knew who it was.  I still didn't see her today, but I'm guessing she's...special.

In other news, this school doesn't seem nearly as open to my iPad as the other one.  The probably think it's just a toy, or a distraction, so I expect to be told to leave it at home at some point.  Until they get up the nerve to tell me, I'm sticking with it!  But it does provide a topic for conversation with the teachers.  This school actually complained a while back that I didn't talk to the other teachers enough, but man, I'm the one at a loss for words in their native tongue.  They could help me out and start up a conversation, ya know? And they did!  There's one or two dudes who really try to ask me stuff.  One, who I will call Swolt Sensei, asks me something everyday, even if it's a lot of repeats.  He's the head teacher, and looks like he did some major lifting back in the day.  Broad shoulders, and a face that doesn't really seem Japanese are what really throws me off about him.  He's a good guy, though.

Let's move on to lunch.  Today was...international day.  Every Tuesday is.  Take a look!

We got Irish stew, corn salad, cheese and potato omelette, and rye bread with strawberry jam.  When we get lunches like these, everyone looks at me like, "Just like home, yeah?". I just laugh, and don't point out that one, I'm not from Ireland, and two, no...no, whatever horrible stories you've heard of American food...this is nothing like it.  Like I said, man...like the worst lunch ladies.  The food doesn't taste bad, but it certainly feels slapped together, and coming from me, someone who doesn't care much about food that isn't breakfast-related...that's a scathing review.

For now, I'm just gonna try to look forward to getting my tires today.

Later, y'all.

J

Last Minute Monday

Alright, alright, let's get this thing moving!  I'm a day late, and I haven't even re-introduced you guys to my other school!  So, here we go, MONDAY.

Monday brought me back to a place I hadn't been in a month, River Blossom Junior High.  This is the smaller of my two schools, having a little over half the number of students that Plum Valley does.  Because of that, you get a much closer relationship between teachers and students, though Plum Valley's extremely tight-knit.  This place is a bit more old fashioned as well.  Anyway, let's get you guys up to speed on who's who.

Ms. Old School:  This woman comes from the older, strict style of education in Japan, and she takes no crap from anyone.  She isn't a mean woman by nature, but...imagine a tough teacher from Georgia who ain't afraid to use the word "ain't" in class.  That's her.  She rules her classes, and the children learn.  Problem is, I really have no place in a class like that, so she just uses me as a living tape recorder.  Say this, do this, repeat after him.  It's boring, but better than some teachers I've had to deal with.  Another problem is that she pretty much breaks the kids down into mindless drones.  Any students who move on to other teachers after learning from her, well...they never say a word, never come up with an original idea, and never raise their hands.  They can copy and do homework like no one else, though.  And the last problem...Ms. Old School is quick to dismiss a child as "low-level", and leave them in the dust.  Like I said, she comes from the old way of thinking: those who want to learn are the ones who deserve attention.  Students aren't motivated, but...they are praised when they do something well.  It's a strange system.  Me and Ms. Old School get along just fine, though.  And she appreciates my presence.

Little Lady:  She's...short.  Reminds me terribly of my high school Spanish teacher, minus the sky-high heels for compensation.  Even has the same smile.  Little Lady's cool, though.  She's actually the wife of a teacher I worked with years ago, so we work off of that.  She's the complete opposite of Ms. Old School, and is usually laughing with me in the middle of class, and during break time.  Due to family issues, she's only at school part time, though.

The Rookie:  I won't call her The New Girl, because this is her second year, but she is the newest teacher...and the youngest.  If I had to describe her demeanor, I'd say...it's like she's trying to get used to being a teacher and a grown woman at the same time.  Since she's only 23, that doesn't surprise me.  She's still a little soft, though.  We gotta toughen her up a bit.  She's making progress, though.

Other players will be introduced as they become more relevant.

The first day of classes was a...well, not much happened out of the ordinary.  The kids are starting up the new year, with new books and the like, so it's pretty straightforward.  And, of course, there was a test.

As for lunch, they went all Chinese on us!  Take a look! 

In the bowl is something called "mahboh dohfu".  Looks kinda weird, but it's good stuff.  And on the plate..."Chinese Salad".  What?  That's what they call it!  In the red box is about 350 calories of evil white rice.  I avoid that stuff now.

Bu that's really it for today!

Thanks for readin'!

J

Weekend of Woe

OK, so that title is a little dramatic, but ya know....stuff happened. Also, unlike a certain, infinitely more famous blogger, I'm a big fan of alliteration. I'm gonna merge Friday into the weekend this time around, because, well, I was too busy to write stuff at the time.

So, Friday. A pretty simple day of classes, which, for some reason, I can't seem to recall very well. Maybe that's because the lessons themselves were very simple, or...not so memorable...or...maybe nothing happened. Honestly, I can't remember anything! Weeeeird. But what I do know is that the teachers had to go and visit all the students' houses starting Friday, and that is usually a very difficult task for them. Odd Sensei seems particularly troubled by the whole ordeal because she's got a lot going on in her life these days. I won't get into her private life, but it's taking a toll on her. I worry about the lady. I really do. Plus, she's a home room teacher this yr, which means that on top of normal lesson planning duties, she is responsible for the basic upbringing of about thirty 15-year-olds. Parent meetings, morning class meetings, after-school meetings. The poor woman. I may have called her a damsel-in-distress in e past, but that's only for the sake of this blog. She's just a nice person, and I hope everything works out well for her.

The rest of the weekend was dominated by two things: tires for my car, and planning a flower party.

As for the tires, let's rewind a bit. So my tires were getting old. I knew it, and so did everyone else. I was hoping they'd hold out for a while longer, because I remember buying tires for my Durango back in the US, and that put a huuuuuuuuge dent in my credit card limit, which took me a very long time to pay off. Oversized tires are simply evil. But, things never work out quite like I plan when it comes to money and maintenance. Case in point, two days before I got my iPad, I woke up to a flat tire. That's OK, though. I know how to change a tire, or at least how to find the information on changing a tire. I did this, with my bare hands (Japanese people always put on white gloves...pansies) and felt all sorts of manly after it was done. Even my girlfriend...who we will call...Rose, was very impressed. I took my car to the shop, expecting to get it patched and be on my way home. But see, that was my mistake. Had I been thinking properly, I would've known that it couldn't be so simple. And once I got to the tire shop, all the telltale signs of impending difficulties began to show. The mechanics tilting there heads ever so slightly when they talk to you. The slow hiss before answering any questions. And a slight arching of their backs, and a pinching of their faces from the start. That's when you know...something isn't right.

"Well...it looks like the hole in your tire is in a kind of...sensitive area...."

They'll never tell you outright that they can't do something. No, they'll go discuss it with their co-workers for a while to make it look like they're trying, and then come back and say something like, "Yeah...a very sensitive area..." and then look at you, hoping you catch their drift and go home. But this time, maybe they thought I was in a bind. Maybe they knew I was tired. Or maybe they just thought it best not to mess with me, but the boss came in and said, "Ya know what? We'll try our best!". That's probably because the boss is the father of one of my students from long ago...but whatever. They tried, and they succeeded! Turns out a giant screw was lodged in my tire. They wanted to show it to me, but they dropped it somewhere in my car and now...well, it's still somewhere in my car. Nonetheless, they looked proud of their accomplishment. But, they gave me a warning.

"This patch might come loose while you're driving, so if you get another flat, you really gotta get some new tires, OK?"

I agreed to do just that. Until now, nothing has gone wrong. But that doesn't mean my tires weren't feeling all sorts of weird. Slipping and stuff. They even felt kind of...uneven. And when I noticed that I'd bought an iPad but still hadn't fixed my tires, I knew something was wrong. So, I asked around for some help. Why didn't I just do it myself, you ask? There's a funny thing about moving to another country. Your "maturity" drops to zero, because you simply do not know how to do things in that particular country. So, even though I've been through all sorts of crap with my car in America, and learned lots of lessons about car parts, brand names, what parts don't work with what, and what goes where, in Japan, I know nothing. Really. Nothing. Not even who to go to for decent tires. Actually, Rose's father knows quite a bit about cars as he owns his own used car shop, and in true girlfriendly fashion, she offered to ask her dad if he could find a discount or something...but I didn't wanna bother the guy like that. I'm sure it has something to do with being a man, or just...him being my girlfriend's dad, but no. No. Couldn't do it.

But Rose found a shop for me, and I have no problem with that.

So, on Saturday, we drove through the rain on my balding tires, and made it safely to the tire shop. And, as always, the staff looked confused, and...a bit too pleased to see me come in. Rose and I walked in and saw all the tires and rims lined up on the wall, and I tried my best to explain people's obsession with shiny rims on their cars. Rose isn't the type to care much about material things, so she didn't quite get it, and probably just chalked it up to manliness. Which isn't so far off.

A few minutes later, one of the guys was finally available to help us out, and called us over to his desk. In his hands he held all sorts of brochures on tires, and even notes on the make and model of my car, and what kinds of tires worked for it. Then, he tilted his head just a bit and said,

"OK, sir...looks like you've gotten a lot of miles out of those tires, huh? So, let's try and get you some new ones, alright?"

I noticed that his back was arched just a bit, in a slight bow..leven though he was sitting...

"I see that you have a Honda Accord wagon, and, well...this actually happens a lot, but..."

I knew it. I was about to hear a phrase that I've heard far too many times in Japan and in the US.

"You seem to need a special size that we don't have here..."

That's right. Even my tires...from this country...are too big...for this country. And if you didn't know, special size always, always means more expensive. Fortunately, I am used to this, and wasn't so shocked. Rose, however, wasn't cool with that. Now...you gotta know, Rose isn't tall. She is very thin. Most people think she's a cute little Japanese girl who loves Hello Kitty and makeup. But she's got some power in her that you won't recognize until it's already plowed you over. And this man...well, he was about to get decked.

Rose asked if there were any other tires that would KINDA fit my car. The man showed us, but warned us that it would basically make my car illegal in Japan. But, Rose wasn't listening. Then, she compared the cheapest "kinda" perfect tires, to the cheapest perfect ones and noticed that the kinda perfect tires were about 20 bucks cheaper per tire. She then proceeded to talk this man into giving me the perfect tires at the price of the kinda perfect ones...and succeeded. See...In Japan, any price is negotiable. Thing is, you gotta know how to do it. You can't be too weak, and you can't be a jerk. You gotta know the ins and outs of Japanese honorifics, and this girl, having studied all sorts of literature and passed all sorts of kanji tests, is a master. Rose can catch salesmen off guard with her polite nature, and then suddenly ask them to lower the price, and they just kinda stumble over themselves. I was smiling at her the whole time.

Defeated, the man then began to show us the cost of services...you know, actually putting the tires on. There were three levels of service, and I just wanted the simplest one. None of that crap with the special air in the tires, or the alignment package or anything like that. Just put the tires on, and let me drive away, 90 bucks poorer. The salesman was cool with that...but then Rose hopped in. Within seconds, she had convinced this man to include the service IN THE PRICE FOR THE ALREADY DISCOUNTED TIRES. My jaw was almost on the floor at that point. She was about to get the man to give me the higher service package for the same price, but I felt bad for the guy, and stopped her.

And that's how Rose saved me 170 bucks! I get the tires on Tuesday!

Afterward, I was teasing her about how scary she was, and she pretended to be offended, but I know...she was proud of herself. And she should be! Admittedly, I fear the day she decides to use that power on me, but...for now, I'm just gonna sit back and smile to myself as I replay those 30 minutes in my mind, over and over again.

And now, the flower party. Now, I'm sure most of you read that, and thought, "Flower party? Seriously?". So, lemme explain this piece of Japanese culture to you. Japan loves seasons. The changing of the seasons is a very important part of their culture, so much that clothes and colors are often decided not by the weather, but by the season. It could be a blazing hot Septermber 30th, but people will be bundled up for the fall chill. ...Because it's fall. Duh.

One of biggest seasonal signs is the cherry blossoms (sakura) of spring.

They represent purity, beginnings, and female...ness. And when they are in full bloom, old Japanese dudes love to go out, sit under them and get blind, stinkin' drunk. Those go together, right? Right. These drinking parties, or simply picnics, are called Hanami. Basically, flower-viewing parties, which I just shorten to flower parties.

My Sunday English class has had a flower party every year for the past four years, even after the earthquake. They are quite relaxing, and a good chance to get to know everyone better. But, of course, they are entirely my responsibility, so it adds a little bit of stress. Juuuust a little. The hardest part, though, is timing it, because it's not like the cherry blossoms bloom on an exact schedule. Plan too early and you're gonna be sitting under a bare tree. Too late, and it's just gonna be a green tree. With one or two people, it isn't so much of a problem. You just up and go. But, I was working with about 15 people, trying to find a day when everyone was free, and one when it wasn't raining (how do you plan for that?!). But in the end, it all worked out. Matt, a person I haven't mentioned in a long while, wanted to come, but stomach issues prevented that. And Rose was busy. But other than that, all was good and fine.

All food was provided by the cafe, and students brought some extra stuff.

Good Weekend!

J

Deconstructing Gyro

Ah, me and Gyro.  Gyro and me.  He's the kind-natured guy who loves to make people laugh at his own expense.  I'm the somewhat ambitious English teacher with hopes of inspiring even the worst students to find some joy in English.  Doesn't sound like a bad team, until you give us the class we've been given.  We just aren't the right pair for these kids.  Gyro just wants to have a laid back class where kids understand effortlessly.  Me?  I want a class of kids who can focus for more than 5 seconds.  These kids seem more American than Japanese.

When I first came to Japan, I was floored by how obedient the kids were.  They never spoke out of turn, always faced the front and had incredible posture. They held their teachers in high regard, and wouldn't dare try to make of fool of any of them.  But with each year, and with each new school the behavior of the children seemed to get worse.  The teachers didn't seem to see this as out of the ordinary; they seemed to know they were fighting a losing battle.  That was honestly my first and only taste of culture shock: Japanese students are not as earnest as we think they are, and my first school was apparently a haven for first-year ALTs, before they kick us out into the real world.

In terms of concentration, this is the worst groups of kids I've ever had.  They aren't BAD.  They don't cause any sort of destruction, only distraction.  They simply do not like being controlled.  If you say, "listen", they begin talking.  Ask them to read quietly, and  they write in their notebooks.  Need someone to volunteer an answer?  Completely quiet.  Choose someone to answer a question, and every other student begins to blurt out the answer.  But leave them to their own devices, and absolutely nothing happens.  This class has destroyed Gyro.  His smoking has doubled...maybe even tripled since he got this class.  Granted, Gyro isn't the authoritative type, but that doesn't mean he can't teach.  I just feel sorry for him, because I can't help without completely emasculating him.  And if I do that, it'll be even worse on the weeks when I'm not there.

But we got two new teachers, and I used today's class with the obstinate second-years as a chance to toughen up New Girl.  I encouraged her to be the enforcer, which allowed me and Gyro to focus on delivering the information and keeping the kids moving.  I noticed that her defenseless act disappeared in that moment.  So maybe she's got some potential.

As for today's lunch...  Take a look!

And here's the little bit of progress I made on the building.  Most people won't notice the difference...

I'm out...  Still didn't sleep well last night.  Weird nightmares...

J

Sketchy Schoolwork

Well, the lessons move forward, and I am still the leader for most of the class.  New Girl is still pretending to be defenseless, so I'm trying to show her what to do.  Basically, make the kids smile, let them talk loud, and perform, perform, perform.  Nobody wants a boring English class.  But after each class today, she'd say...

"I'm really gonna need your help!"

"Can you please be the leader all the time?"

"I don't know what to do!  This is only my second year!"

Other Girl seems to be getting tired of this act, but she's smiling more than she used to.  And honestly, that's my goal. 

Now, hey...maybe New Girl really is nervous, and maybe she really does need my help, but I'm only at I'd school every other week, so...what's she gonna do when I'm gone?  Looks like I gotta go into Mentor Mode.  Ugh.  Always makes me feel like a know-it-all, though.  

And, whenever I feel like a know it all, there's nothing like trying something I suck at to bring me back down to humbleville.  And for me, that is...2D Art!  Me, pencils and paper...we got a rocky relationship.  Funny thing is...I studied art in college,  but see, it was just an obstacle to overcome so I could get into the stuff I was really interested in: CG Animation.  Unfortunately, the art part drained me until I was completely burned out, but hey...that's life.  Anyway, I'm trying to get back into drawing, and that's part of the reason I've got my iPad.  I found a picture on my desk, and I just made a really rough sketch of it and I'm slowly working on value and color, so I can get used to drawing on the iPad, and, well...start over.  Here's the picture...

And here's what I got so far...

I'm not looking for praise or validation here.  I'm just putting my work up so it encourages me to keep moving.

Today's lunch.........  Crap!  I forgot to type out the menu!  I'll try and edit this post later, but here's a picture of our VERY Japanese lunch!  Take a look!

That's all for now, people,  I gotta sleep.  Last night was horrible...

J

Noodles for Newbies

Whew!  Well, I just finished 3 first-year classes in a row, with two new teachers.  This is probably the first time I've been the veteran in the classroom.  Usually, another older teacher is there to guide the new folks along the way, and serve as a kind of bridge between me and them.  But today, I had to build all the bridges and direct all the traffic between me and the New Girl, me and the Other Girl, and between the girls themselves.  Oh, and between English and our students.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I like attention.  I learned this in college.  I like knowing someone is watching me and enjoying the work I do, but too much attention hurts me.  Too many eyes.  And I had 38 nervous pairs of eyes on me for three hours.  The Girls were nervous because these are new students at a new school left in their charge.  They are worried about guiding these kids down the wrong path, and possibly scarring them for life...ya know, meaning the kids will hate English for all eternity just because they had a bad teacher.  The kids are nervous because...dude, it's English, and there's some 6'5" man-beast grunting in some strange tongue, making sounds that they didn't even know humans could make.  On top of that, it's their first year in junior high school, which is a big deal in Japan.  And me?  I stand in that storm of anxiety every year, until I can calm things down and help them understand that I'm not there to hurt them.  That...is a lot of attention, and a lot of anxiety, and that's what I faced today.

It went alright, though!  The kids were shy, but we can fix that.  The New Girl did pretty good, but she hands authority over to me a bit too readily.  She's still playing the cute, weak, Japanese female, but I'm hoping I can make her stop that.  Bothers me because it makes me feels like I'm being manipulated, and, even worse, it actually works if I'm not careful.  The Other Girl did well, and still seems surprised that I even bother to talk to her, let alone smile at her.  ...I hope I'm And the two girls barely spoke to each other.  Man, I dunno if I'm seeing drama where it ain't, but these two girls are coooooold to each other.  I'll keep an eye on things from here on out.  Kiiiiiinda funny, though.

Basically, we just introduced ourselves, handed out the books, notebooks, penmanship books, file folders and workbooks.  These kids have so many things to keep track of for English.  Then we did some introductions, some classroom English, and basically a big ol' ice breaker lesson.  The kids think I don't speak Japanese, so they don't know I can hear what they say about me.  Really.  They are scared when they first see me, even without the dreadlocks.  Dah well.

Princi-Pal says I'm smiling more these days.  I have no idea why, but I do feel lighter, and happier to come to work.  Like I'm lucky to even have the chance.  Maybe it's because my company offered me the chance to leave everything behind, and my heart has chosen to remain here for my friends and relationships, but...this place seems so much better now.  Or maybe it's because it's not FREEZING.  Spring thaw, rainy days, thunderstorms with powerful winds.  That...is heaven to me.  But we'll see if this continues when I get to my other school. 

Next up is everyone's favorite part: school lunch!  Today's menu was...

エビ入り塩ラーメン(ebi-iri shio raamen, salt-broth ramen with shrimp)，牛乳(gyuunyuu, milk)，揚げ餃子(agegyouza, deep fried gyouza/Chinese dumplings)，ポテトサラダ (poteto sarada, potato salad).

Take a look!!

Not bad.  Heavy, though.  Only ate 3/4 of the noodles.  See the bag of noodles?  They're called "soft men".  "Men" means noodles.  That'd be the "men" in "ramen".  So, yeah, when college kids say "ramen noodles" they're pretty much saying "ra-noodle noodles".  Kinda like "ATM machine".  Anyway, that's a lot of noodles.  You're supposed to put the noodles into the soup, mix it up, and eat.  You need to do this because the noodles stick together like...a soft brick of cooked, oil-free pasta, and it's the soup that loosens them up for good eatin'.  The thing is, they give you waaaay too many noodles for the amount of soup they give you.  Some kids just dump the whole bag into the soup and go for it, but that's like...eating sticky spaghetti without enough sauce.  The rest of us divide the noodles, maybe by cutting them in half with the lids from our chopstick sets.  I cut mine into quarters and eat one section at a time. That's just how I roll.  Learned it from elementary kids, and it continues to confuse everyone.

After lunch, New Girl proceeded to sing my praises to Gyro, who looked at me like it was all a bunch of crap.  Which it was, but I think Gyro was looking at it from a different standpoint.  I'm not the same teacher with him.  Like...I kinda gave up on him last year.  I'll see if I can make up for it this year...  But, man...his class is rough.  I'll try my best, though.  Promise.

Ya know..writing these things in bursts over 12 hours really leads to a lack of continuity.  I gotta work on that.

Later, people!

J

Technology and Rivalry

Ahhhh, back at school again at the start of a new day.  It would seem my iPad has started a bit of a frenzy...  Actually, I started the trend two years ago when I came in with an iPhone.  Everyone in Japan just loves seeing people swipe and zoom, and rotate the keyboard.  And their reactions are far more satisfying than American reactions.  Your average American says something like, "Cool!" or "Hmm...nice".  But man, when you show a Japanese person something new, they bust out with some of the most awe-struck, rapturous exclamations human speech has managed to come up with.  One swipe of the phone gets a "Oowhooooooooooooa!!!".  A zoom will earn you a "AUUUUGH!!!!!". And voice commands?  Dizzy spells and fainting.  Now, whether or not they're just acting or being "polite" remains a mystery, but still, it's quite entertaining.

After that, everyone slowly started showing up with smartphones and iPhones and iPods...  In the middle of the countryside, this is a big deal.  Problem is, we got a lot of older teachers, man, and they have no idea how to use those things!  Even though an iPhone is a million times easier to use than a typical cellphone, the people swear that smartphones are the scariest things on the planet.  Technology can leave you behind if you're not careful, I guess.

But now that I've got two impressive Apple products, everyone has decided that I'm the go-to guy for any and all things technological.  One lady brought in her daughter's shiny new iPad 2, fresh out of the box, asking me to help her set it up.  My first thought was, "Wait...your daughter didn't even try?"  My second thought was, "Ah...right...Japanese female.". My third thought was, "Wait...am I racist AND sexist?".  And then my fourth thought was, "...actually, no.  No, I'm not."   And yes, I realize "Japanese" is not a race.  But still, Japanese women (in my town) run from technology like the plague.

But, anyway...I think we'll be hearing a lot of conversations about how my older teachers can't use smartphones.  

Aaaaaand, what's for lunch today?  黒パン (kuropan, black bread...whatever that means) 牛乳(gyuunyuu, milk) ポークビーンズ (pookubiinzu, pork and beans) ハムと野菜のマリネ (hamu to yasai no marine, ham and vegetables in a vinegar marinade)  焼きプリン (yakipurin, flan...pretty much, but literally "baked pudding").

Take a look!

In other news, it looks like classes are gonna start tomorrow.  I'll only be working with the Girls, New and Other, teaching the first-years.  The other grades have a test.  A test.  At the beginning of the school year.  You know, to see no much they've forgotten in their two-week spring break.  Just...trust me when I say that Japanese schools love them some tests.

Anyway, I'll be working with the Girls, but...I should say that I've noticed something odd happening between them.  A certain...coldness.  The New Girl is possibly really fake...possibly.  She acted surprised by my ability to read some pretty straightforward Japanese, in a form of flattery the Japanese call "oseji".  Maybe she was being sincere, but...I dunno, man.  And the Other Girl is, well, nervous.  I'm doing my best to keep her calm, and she seems a bit surprised by my concern.  But when they talk to each other, a certain formality takes over, like they're not really working together.  Like...they're rivals.  Maybe I'm just trying to start some drama.  I wonder if there's an app for that...

I'll talk more about it tomorrow after we try our first class with the first years!

J

Back to Basics

Alrighty, back to the world of serialized blogs!  I'm back at my school, with a whole mess of new teachers, so let's try something I haven't done in a long while...

The pseudonym game!!

Obviously, I can't use real names or places on this blog, so I always have to come up with fake names for the places and people around here.  Let's start with the school.

Today, I'm at Plum Valley Junior High School.  Nestled comfortably between The Twin Wave Mountains, Plum Valley is home to kind teachers, mostly good students, and some of the weirdest architecture I've ever seen in a Japanese school.  Many of the teachers here are old friends, meaning I've worked with them before, some from my very first schools.  It's always nice to have a few friendly faces around to make you feel more comfortable at the star of a new school year, so I'm very grateful for this.  

The kids...well, I haven't met the first-years yet, but I know the second and third-years.  The third-year kids are pretty much brilliant.  They pick up concepts in English much faster than any class I've ever known, most likely due to their first-year teacher.  That woman took no crap from anyone, and I'm sad she's not here this year.  I look forward to finding out just how quickly these kids will be able to handle the toughest part of third-year English: the past participle.  Evil, evil concept.  As for the second graders, well...let's just say they ain't so sharp.  I'd say a good 20% of them are "special" students, and this school doesn't put those kids in special classrooms.  Now, I got nothing against the special kids, because they deserve a fun-filled education, but man, it slows things down to a snail's pace, because a lot of our lessons involve pair-work.  If your partner is dragging, it's not so much fun.  On top of that, all the boys in that year have zero motivation and negative concentration.  By "negative", I mean that they actually reduce the rest of the students' ability to focus.  Just one of these boys can derail your entire lesson in a matter of moments.  So all last year, the teacher and I struggled through every minute of every lesson, leaving us drained, and pretty much unwilling to go to class.  In the final six weeks, we were intentionally five to ten minutes late for each lesson, sorry to say.  So...we're gonna have to do some major work this year.

I hear the first-years are pretty much geniuses, so maybe that'll balance things out.

Now, let's move on to the teachers in the English department.  

ODD Sensei:  The ODD here stands for Older Damsel in Distress.  This woman is one of the kindest, most soft-spoken women I've ever met.  She's over 50, and is often overwhelmed by the rambunctious nature of adolescent girls and boys.  For the last three years, I've had to swoop in and tame the little rascals who take advantage of her kind nature.  And, honestly, I kinda think OddSensei enjoys it. Either that, or this is some old school Japanese culture stuff going on.  I can easily see this woman in her younger years, in a world very much like the old Japanese soap operas, kimonos, meddling mothers, tense tea ceremonies and all.  But she's cool, and...she's the head of the English department!

Gyro:  This is actually his nickname.  He tells me he got it because he can throw some amazing baseball pitch called a "gyro ball", but I honestly have no idea.  Gyro's a good guy, with a great sense of humor, but a bit too willing to be the butt of any joke.  I mean, really, even the TEACHERS make fun of this guy, and he just chuckles it up.  He's a bit heavy, and I think he's proud of it, and that's awesome.  But he's a bit too nice to the kids, and they have no problem walking all over him.  My teaching style becomes a bit bipolar around him.  One second I'm the only real authority figure in the room, and the next, I'm goofing off with the kids to remind them that English can be fun.  But again, Gyro's just a good guy who's just trying to figure out how to do his job.

The New Girl:  I can't say much about this one.  She's new, young, "pretty", and seems to laugh at everything I say.  And because I will naturally play off of this to make class more interesting, I'm expecting all the students to assume we are dating.  I'm getting too old for this...

The Other Girl:  This may seem like a cruel name, but I can tell...that's how everyone's gonna see her.  She's not as confident, not as pretty, and not as friendly as The New Girl, and I can't help but wonder how long it's gonna take before she starts to think less of herself for it.  Which means I'm gonna try to talk to her more.  She's just the assistant teacher, which means she's gonna be learning from the rest of us, so I gotta give her a good experience working with a foreigner.  That's really all I got for her at the moment.

Normally, you get maybe three teachers at a school.  One per grade, ya know?  But do the math.  We got three teachers, one assistant, and...me!  That means, undoubtedly, that there will be a class where all five of us are wandering around the classroom, bumping into each other, and basically getting in each other's way.  We don't know each other yet, do its probably gonna take a few weeks for us to learn each other's style, and that's OK.  

On the administrative side, we got my good buddy Princi-Pal.  This dude loves talking to me and telling me about his adventures in life, and always calls me "a strange Japanese man", mostly because I don't like the lame attempts the school lunch center makes at serving "American-style" lunches every once in a while.  It's like they take their cues from the worst of the worst American school lunch ladies.  And I roll my eyes every time.  Makes Princi-Pal very happy to see it.  This is our fourth year working together, so we're pretty much on the same page these days.  At ceremonies, he'll suddenly call me up and say "Translate my speech to English, OK?  Ready?  Here we go!".  I think he's just determined to make sure I have a role to play at this school, and I'm grateful for it.

Speaking of lunch, it looks like today's lunch is more Japanese style, which makes both me and Princi-Pal very happy.  We got rice, milk, scrambled eggs (Japanese style), crab salad (literally, salad with imitation crab meat in it) and some weird...thing, with konnyaku stuff in it.  Take a look!

Don't ask me what that stuff is, because I don't know.  It's called "konnyaku no okaka ni".  The question is, will I eat it?  You never really know what to do when you get these weird foods.  I think I'll write up a blog about school lunches another time, but yeah, I think ill keep including these things here.  

And that's it for now!  There are no classes today, so I'll be sitting at my desk, reading, writing, and otherwise trying to find a way to pass the time.  And now that I got my handy, dandy iPad, it shouldn't be nearly as hard as it once was.

Yeah...feels good to be back.

J  

Filler

Today, the weather report warned of gale-force winds, torrential downpour, and turbulent skies! Turns out it was just a mild storm. I'm sitting in my living room, listening to the wind whistle through the gaps between houses...and the walls. And there's the key.

See, Japanese buildings are built to withstand earthquakes...which means they're built to give. Rigid, concrete structures aren't such a good idea out here, so the buildings seem flimsy to any Floridian. Any American, actually. But when earthquakes come, and you see these houses shake, rattle, but rarely fall, you begin to understand that maybe people out here know what they're doing. But when any strong wind comes through, you get the feeling that they planned only for one side of nature. Ya know...the earthy kind. Rain, water, heat, cold, wind...sound...any of those things render a Japanese building pretty useless. So I can see why everyone in this town started to freak out when they heard that a big storm was coming. Waaaaaay too much rattling going on out here, lemme tell ya. But for some reason, it just makes me enjoy the rainy weather even more!

Honestly, that's all I got at the moment. School should be picking up in a week or so. I'm hoping for next Monday. If it starts any later, I'm gonna be out about 500 bucks due to the terms of my contract. And once school starts up again, I'll switch this here blog into some daily reports with hilarious anecdotes! Maybe... If the kids aren't total jerks.

Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

J

Uncertainties strike again!

Ah, spring vacation. I'm in my second week of vacation at the moment, with nothing to do but sit back, watch TV, and try my darnedest not to gain back the weight I've lost since last year (around 20 pounds).

But now, I also have this here iPad, which means I have no excuse to slack off anymore. But with all that freedom, with all these drawing and writing apps I've downloaded, and with the styluses I've picked up...comes a boatload of doubt. See, I'd like to become a better writer. I'd like to become a better artist. And I'd like to get back into the field I studied in college... But, for some reason, all I can think about is the ocean of inability that I gotta empty out, one spoonful at a time. There was a time when such a notion excited me. In fact that time was, like, three weeks ago, but something isn't right. I'm not entire sure what that is.

So, I gotta find a starting point. With my writing, the starting point is here, on the Internet with my many blogs on various subjects. But with the drawing and stuff? I got nothin'. Really. So, if anyone out there knows a good place to start getting some drawing skill...let me know, seriously.

Maybe when I get bold enough, I'll start posting my crappy drawings here...or on another blog. That's motivation, right?

J

First post on the iPad!

Aaaaaand.....here it is! Finally! That's right folks! I'm writing my first blog entry with a brand new iPad! And yes, I know. These iPad things are just a fad. The craze in America was scary enough. Even scarier...I was buying into it. But truth be told, I was planning to get one anyway. The timing just worked out so that a new iPad was coming out just when I decided to get one.

Don't worry, I'm not here to write another review about this thing. We've got enough of those around the Internet. I just want everyone to know that this is an investment toward my writing, drawing, and reading. I must write every day, and now I have no excuse. ....Let's just hope they let me use this thing at school.

Speaking of schools, I figure I should get back into telling you guys about my daily life at work, and it just so happens that we're starting up a new school year in a week or so. I'm lucky enough to have the same schools, too! Now, I know that I dropped off the map for a while...again. But there's a reason for that. My contract was kinda...up in the air for a while, and I was even looking for other places for employment, so I wasn't in the right place mentally. All my entries would have been long rants and lists of complaints, and I really didn't wanna share all that here.

So let's start from...two days ago. March 30th. Well, let's start with a few events leading up to that. See, in every school, company, small shop, and (probably) neighborhood association in Japan, there is a tradition that has been passed down for thousands of years (I think), from generation to generation, father to son, mother to daughter, boss to employee: the drinking party. Now, before you start conjuring up images of your typical American drunken debauchery, lemme tell you that Japan is far too tame and timid for that, despite whatever weirdness you may have witnessed on the grand Internet. No, a Japanese drinking party is like...well, it's like drinking with people from the Shire or something. Just having a grand ol' time with people you were afraid to talk to while sober. Really...alcohol strengthens relationships in Japan, so to refuse alcohol is pretty much saying, "I don't want to associate myself with YOU people."

So, even at my school, they have quite a few drinking parties...for the teachers, of course. But, in all my three years of teaching at this particular school, they never invited me. I didn't worry; they can get kinda pricey, and if you've been to one, you've been to 'em all. However, this year, my return was yet again in doubt, and they actually had a chance to invite me, so, the principal took the initiative and basically decided that I'd be there. He and I get along quite well, so I was cool with it. But right after I'd said yes, I realized who I'd be drinking with. See, maybe you remember, most likely you don't, but at my very first junior high school there was a joker on staff who tried to get me crazy drunk. He failed, but he tried his darnedest. And guess who transferred to my current school. The Spiker himself. The moment I said yes, a devilish grin spread across his face, and he asked me, "Shochuu is a very dangerous liquor for you, isn't it.". He knew he had me trapped. He knew I couldn't lie, and soon, he and the principal were concocting a plan to have me chugging multiple bottles of the stuff. One bottle is about half a gallon.

So, the day of the party, I went out and ate as many carbs and heavy, empty calories as I could. I needed something to soak up all the liquor those guys were undoubtedly gonna try to make me consume. This was the first and only time I'd gone to McDonald's out of concern for my health. Irony, indeed. A double quarter pounder, a chicken filet-o, large fries and coke should be enough. Turns out, it was a little too much. I was worried that I'd eaten so much that I would be able to enjoy any of the food at the party, so I began walking around a bit, to get all that wonderful grease and fat moving through my system. While doing that, I turned my attention to picking out clothes.

Considering it was a drinking party, I figured something casual would be OK. So, I opted for a Ralph Lauren sweater (a gift from the girlfriend) and some chino slacks (a gift from my sister). Felt weird, because I only really have two modes in Japan: shirt, tie and dress slacks, and jeans and a t-shirt. Talk about extremes. But, I looked...well, as presentable as a man of my stature can look in a country of so few options. So imagine my surprise when my ride came to get me, and the dude was rocking the suit and tie! Really, bruh? You gonna get drunk in a suit? Aaight. Not me, man. I had more sense than that. And had I been in America, I would've been quite confident in my decision, but after living here for almost six years, that desire to conform has oddly become part of my psyche (for living in Japan). So when we got to the place where the party was gonna be, and all the dudes were in suits and ties, my confidence was...less than solid. But hey, I stick out anyway, so there's really no point in trying to conform out here.

Anyway, so we were at a local golf range. What? What were you doing at a golf range, you say? That's where the principal wanted to do his drinking! And, in Japan, you don't question the oldest man in the room! Ever! Plus, it was an opportunity to see a bunch of Japanese men doing their best to play golf while inebriated. Was I gonna question fate? Nope. Not me. That never happened, but still! Don't question fate!So, after the seats were chosen, we all sat down and the party started. Lots of beer and tea was passed around, the tables were laden with sashimi, fried foods, and some really spicy chorizo. People talked and laughed, departing teachers gave speeches and cried, and, as expected, The Spiker did his best to get me drunk off of shochuu. Thing is, I can handle way more liquor than he expected, so, he ended up getting hammered before I even felt tipsy. Ah, Japanese men.

A lot of teachers who avoided me in school were suddenly quite friendly. Like I said, alcohol strengthens relationships. This is very normal, and I'm sure they use the same conversational topics with every ALT they drink with. But, ya know, it still makes you feel warm inside. Or maybe that was the shochuu.

After three hours of merriment, we prepared for the second party (again, this is normal), to be held at a ramen shop in the middle of nowhere. Since my entire town is pretty much in the middle of nowhere this came as no surprise, but the woman who was to drive us there had no idea how to get there. So, I broke out my iPhone and wowed everyone with my ability to navigate, taking us down perilously narrow roads, at break neck speeds. I'm shocked I could do I with any amount of alcohol in my system. Seriously, have you seen a map of Japan? Like...the roads? Looks like someone traced a pile of spaghetti.

Speaking of noodles, we got to the ramen place and restarted the festivities. The principal requested that I do the toast, and I did, in English, and got all those teachers to get a little louder than they normally would have. English makes everyone rowdier. More drinks, ramen, gyoza, talks about pasts and futures, and then...it was over. And I was just buzzed. Not grinning like an idiot buzzed, but just...content. And as they dropped me off at my apartment, I remembered that I have a pretty good life here. Sure, clothes don't fit, taxes are insanely high, and I really have to leave before I'm 35, but...for what it's worth, Japan is a good place. Safe and clean, even while drunk.

How many places can claim that, eh?

J